ARE YOU TOO NICE ?

imagesHere’s an interesting article I came across in my recent cyberspace troll. It made me stop and say – is this author really serious? I try my darnest best to be nice at all times, whenever I could and unequivocally at that. Being nice is sort of my requisite for good and decent living , a holistic principle that applies even to my alter ego. Now someone openly declares that being TOO nice is uncool, wimpy and can be a recipe for disaster to your relationship.

The article says that being too nice can be a liability more than an asset and here’s the barometer for measuring your crossing the threshold of being simply Nr. Nice to being Mr. Wimp :

  • You’re too respectful
  •  You’re too interested
  •  You’re too complimentary
  • You’re too understanding
  • You’re too cheerful

If every bullet point is worth 5 and you score 25, the article says you’ve just turned into PeeWee Herman with a heart of a puppy and the fortitude of a hamster. You’ve basically morphed into a robot, never saying no and always willing to acquiese to your partner when she throws a ” so what do you think” line at you. Fortunately, I think I scored poorly on all counts and failed to make the median of 12.5 hehehe 🙂  I can be too understanding and too cheerful but  handicapped in the area of too interested and too complimentary. In short, I am nice but probably not too nice 🙂 Am I safe then ? 😉

 

There is a saying that conflict in a relationship isn’t necessarily bad  because it fosters change. It simply means that if the going gets rough , both parties try to recognize their flaws and adjust to improve on the quality of the relationship. Recognizing one’s flaw is a tough act though. There are just stuck-up men and women out there who think that saying sorry is akin to self-condemnation, like accepting a death sentence.

I other words, methinks here’s what the author is trying to say – if you’re too respectful, too interested, too understanding, too complimentary, too cheerful – you’re not energizing the relationship, leaving no room for your partner to work on. It could also be a sign of a sacrificial relationship,  that you’re depriving yourself of a life you want to enjoy for the sake of your partner- sort one way street so to speak. Some people want to avoid conflict and confrontation at all cost. You’re a partner not a slave and you must feel good about the relationship.  So when you read the article don’t go gung ho and start beating the war drums and rattling the saber. Just be cool and do your best to fail the 5 point test 😆

 

  Aye, nay , amen ?

SKATING LESSON BLUES

figureskating7For someone born in this country, not learning how to ice skate is almost an abrogation of your nationality, an insult to your citizenship. Canadians are ice hockey freaks and it is no suprise why they are the best in the world.  If there’s one sports event that happens on the Christmas week, it is the world hockey junior championship that rotates around the major cities in the world that play organized hockey.  Call me cynical but watching  big, broad shouldered, acne laden kids playing hockey on hangover day isn’t my cup of tea. Maybe for those who celebrate Christmas with pizza and a couple of rented movies but not for me.

And so it goes that by hook or by crook my daughter has to learn how to skate therefore I bought her  ice skates and helmet and enrolled her in a skating school. Young children start with a faily small 100′ x 100′ synthetic surface, sort of a hard rubber floor similar to the texture of the false flooring tiles you see in data centers, to make it easier for them to slide and glide.  Once my daughter dons her gear, I leave her at the rink with the lady instructor and I go to the cafeteria cum pub, grab a beer and watch … NHL hockey on TV of course. The pub has class windows on both sides and you can watch the local lads playing their Thursday night friendly games at the rinks. In short, the place smells, tastes and breathes damn hockey.

Standing at the sideline watching my daughter learn to skate is okay but what I can’t stand are parents who  think their sons are the future hockey stars ala  Wayne Gretzky. They shout push, push… glide  glide.. run run the entire 30 minutes ! Whoa ?? Why not let the teacher do the frigging teaching ? To top it, there’s one bombay family who comes with the whole clan, infant on feeding bottle,  crying toddlers, grandmother and grandfather included cramming up the small waiting area. Geez,  what is supposed to be a nice 30 minute lesson turns out into an ordeal with noisy, overzealous parents interfering with the lesson and the waiting area cramped with so many people , much like the passport issuance office. ugh.. 😦

 

My daughter has 3 more lessons before she goes to the real ice in January, the next stage of the program. Had she been a boy, would I behave like a jerk like these parents ? Wait and see until their boys play competitive house league hockey . These parents will likely strangle coach if their sons are benched a game 👿  I’m not being nice am I ? 😯

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43 Responses

  1. I hate Mr. Wimp, that’s for sure 😦

    “family who comes with the whole clan, infant on feeding bottle, crying toddlers, grandmother and grandfather”

    did they bring a picnic basket ? hahaha 🙂

  2. Nice guys don’t win… that is for sure !

  3. It really depends on the person, if he or she knows the meaning of self-respect.

    Hockey dads are worse than soccer moms 🙂

  4. […] TOO NICE ?For someone born in this country, not learning how to ice skate is almost an abrogation of your nationality, an insult to your citizenship. Canadians are ice hockey freaks and it is no suprise why they are the best in the world. … […]

  5. Well, people (my husband, sis and friends, for instance) often tell me that I’m too nice. And this works against me in this dog-eat-dog world we live in. You get the picture.

    Funny, I was thinking of writing a similar entry on my Freitag blog (ano ba to, puro tayo mental telepathy, BW — LOL), but my would-be entry would delve more on how to set boundaries in relationships. Pero related on being too nice as a person.

    *****

    I love ice-skating, pero the ice doesn’t seem to like me. I gave it a try at a mall near our residence. There, I saw the twin brothers of Ruffa Guitterez with their yayas, LOL. That was a loooong time ago.

    Your daughter is pretty busy with lots of extra-curricular activities ha — dance lessons, and now, ice-skating lessons. How about martial arts (karate, taekwondo) classes? 🙂 I wanted to take karate lessons when I was young, but my Mom said no. She wanted me to take ballet lessons instead (ugh). Of course, I said no to that one.

    Maybe it’s time for you to have a son. 🙂 That way, you will be able to relate to the Bombay family (LOL).

  6. Irrealis – so you prefer the “bad boy” complex eh ?

    LOL.. I’ll not be surprised if they do bring a picnic basket later on 🙂

  7. Sidney – you mean “too nice guys” 😉 ..I second the motion hehe 🙂

  8. Natez1 – somehow it does hit the issue self respect doesn’t it ? I mean if you don’t have a lot of respect for yourself, then you allow others to “railroad” you.

    Hockey dads are nuts, I can tell you. I’ve watched a house league of 10 year old boys and there was his boy who was an absolute hog, who wouldn’t pass the puck to anyone. It turned out his dad promised to give him 2 bucks per goal. In that game he netted 6 goals. It was virtually a one man show. He was good though but with that kind of motivation, he wouldn’t get nowhere 😦

  9. Jayred – some eerie coincidences working between you and me there. I’m wondering maybe I should give you a phone call. There might be some endeavor we need to collaborate on hehe 😉

    Yep, kids here have lots of extra curricular activities for the 4 seasons. Skating is a must because their class goes to skating trips 🙂 Having a son won’t turn me into a capitalistic, greedy parent who sees the $ sign on the what if their son turns into a mega-athlete 🙂 I think my wife entertains some silly thoughts about my daughter winning the Canadian Idol LOL 🙂

  10. Kaibigan, warning ba ito para hindi maging Andres de Saya?

  11. too nice can ruin a relationship? actually, i agree with that.

    re ice skating, maybe your daughter would be the next big thing in figure skating 🙂

  12. It amazes me that Canada has not produced more ice skating champs. On top of my head I can only remember Kurt Browning, which I believed got a silver and a tie gold for Sale and Pelletier. I thought with all the ice and all the ice skating, more girls would opt for ice skating.

    Parents will be parents, hockey parents in Canada, football parents here, same MO. I hope they just leave their kids alone to enjoy the sport and not see a multi million dollar endorsement for every goal or touchdown that their 10-year-old made.

    Relationships are difficult to maneuver. All it takes is a lot of give and take and understanding. I am not sold on that “too nice” thingy you discussed. And that’s coming from me, who is not really nice at all 😀

  13. Flipini – marahil 😉 Malakas ang dating ng comment mo kabayan 😎

  14. Tin – you’re one of those who also like to be challenged I presume 🙂

    I’m not sure if my daughter fancies figure skating that much. What I know is she would be playing “ringette” a milder version of ice hockey being played exclusively by women here. It’s good excercise 🙂

  15. Ewok – firgure skating takes the bench here since people are hockey nuts to the max 🙂

    It’s quite fine to root for your kid when he is playing a competetive hockey game, but not when he’s learning to skate LOL 🙂

    I’m sure not everyone is sold with the “too nice” theory. Some people absolutely adore their “too nice” partner and as long as the relationship isn’t stressed and no one is abusive then they can very well sail on their merry way 🙂 I’d like to think it’s an exception rather than rule 😎

  16. Sad but true, nice guys never win, especially, in the dog-eat-dog world of business, where being too nice is oftentimes a recipe for disaster. The Mr. Nice Guys in the workplace are, oftentimes, the ones that end up getting eaten by the sharks.

    Hey, maybe you daughter will one day represent Canada in the Olympics? 😀

  17. Woah! New home theme!

    I guess there’s also a treshold on being nice. There are time as well when people are just being too nice to the point of being insulting when it’s more helpful to tell the truth sometimes.

  18. I’m guilty for being too understanding. But for the rest, I’m just average. I’m too helpful at times but it seems this isn’t one of the criteria. 😉

  19. Snglguy – true. I once heard a pastor sermon about “meekness”, that it can symbolize conviction, strength and respect. There are some people who possess this trait. They don’t scream nor shout and may look nice but they can’t be easily railroaded by the sharks 🙂

    hehe.. the Olympics will be a long shot. It is very well know than this country isn’t that generous with amateur atheletes. The lure of professional sports is so strong here 😎

  20. Ferdz – true indeed. When you mentioned the word insulting, I guess it means that you can say no if you really can’t help and no one will hang you for it ! 😎

  21. Abaniko – too understanding – looks like you are a perfect partner 😉

    Too helpful – looks like they missed that one, didn’t they? 🙂

  22. I’ll give myself two 4’s when it comes to my respectfulness and being understanding, two 2’s for being interested and complimentary (I’m kind of self-absorbed and I compliment people only when they’ve done something REALLY worth complimenting), and a 2.5 for cheerfulness. I’ve graded myself as to how I generally deal with all people, not just in a relationship.

    There’s a girl in my office who’s annoyingly cheerful and she often reminds me of that episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. wherein Alec Baldwin guest-starred as Lisa Kudrow’s (Phoebe) date and he was too jolly. Phoebe got annoyed and so Alec asked “Why?Is it bad to be happy person?” To which Phoebe replied “No, I’M a happy person. YOU, you’re like Santa Claus…on prozac…..having sex……in Disneyland.”

    RE: skating. Perhaps some of these hockey dads have unfulfilled sports dreams and they are seeking vicarious success in their children. I also sometimes wonder what kind of parent I will become. Just a side story but quite similar: An aunt of mine has a high IQ and she attended a Science high school and was an Iskolar ng Bayan in college. Her two daughters, both in high school now, aren’t doing so well in school. One time I walked in on them as she was tutoring one of her daughters and I saw the anger and frustration in her face when my poor cousin (who was then in grade school) could not understand the lesson. I couldn’t blame my aunt, and I wondered how I would deal with that kind of problem because modesty aside, I did quite well in school.

    Anyway, I suppose that session was pretty embarrassing for that bombay kid.

  23. Now that you mention this thing, I become anxious thinking that at work and in the classroom, I couldbe extra-nice to everyone that somehow, as the article says, it becomes a liability. Students tend to become overconfident and very comfortable that they can become rowdy because of that.

    Perhaps now, I should be rethinking my being overly nice and pleasant.

  24. Kat – you didn’t score that bad 😉

    Alec Baldwin on FRIENDS? Looks like Mr. Baldwin had been foraying into the comedy world lately. That’s a funny line hehe. 🙂 People who are too cheerful can sometimes become a nuisance 😯

    On living vicariously on your child, I have a Pinoy acquaintance who raised her daughter rotten spoiled. The kid is already in her twenties, got fired from a job due to insubordination. Guess what – mom goes to the office and confronts the manager who fired her daughter. Yay – complete embarrasment 😦

    As for the bombay kid, with this week’s skating skills, he couldn’t cross his right leg while standing on his left leg – while all the rest of the kids can hehe 🙂

  25. Major Tom – you can be nice but to the point that respect is not lost and it requires firmness and fairness. Students always think they can take their teachers for a ride. I don’t think I can be a very nice teacher though 😯

  26. on being too nice or overly nice to the highest heavens, that ain’t me. actually, it depends on the situation. one can be too nice because he/she is manipulative. sort of a means to an end.
    i don’t think i’ll pass the too nice, too cheerful test — i am a borderline cynic :D.

  27. I used to be too nice and too diplomatic. Not anymore. Over the last decade or so, I’ve worked on becoming more upfront with what I expect from people. I agree that being too nice will be taken as wimpy by people who tend to take advantage of certain situations. For the sake of my overall happiness and well-being, I’ve decided to stop being too nice. It just doesn’t work.

  28. Mari – manipulative people can be quite deceptive – most often they’re too nice but sometimes you can smell the stink right off the bat 😯 Borderline cynic – I like that description 🙂

  29. Panaderos – whenever I’m hell bent to stick to my principles, my wife tells me I’m not nice.. ugh. Many people equate not being too nice to being rude. Not quite. And I totally agree with you, that you should be upfront of your expectations with people 😯

  30. What kind of collaboration, BW? A la Steven Spielberg-George Lucas type of team-up? 🙂 If yes, be my guest.

    *****

    BTW, I was too nice to a old, limping Swiss lady whom I met on the street yesterday (just after I posted my latest Freitag blog post). I asked her if I could help her with the bag she was carrying. She said it was ok. Then she asked me, in the presence of many Swiss passengers waiting at the bus stop, if I could clean her apartment and buy her gorceries for her. She then told me, in a demanding tone, that I should look her up in the Swiss telephone directory. I made a mistake by telling her I would be willing to do some grocery shopping for her (but not the cleaning part since I’m asthmatic). Naawa kasi ako… But then again, on hindsight, she was not that nice….

  31. if someone ask me, “are you nice?”

    i’ll reply, “how I wish…”

    LOL =)

  32. Jayred – The G20 nations are meeting as we speak… maybe we’ll do our part hehe 😉

    Well, all I could say is that lady certainly thought you were manna from heaven 😉 Maybe she never imagined someone could offer help like you would !

  33. Jeff- you mean you failed the 5 point test horrendously? LOL 🙂

  34. The last time I went ice skating was when I was in high school. haven’t put on a pair of ice skates since. 🙂 Hockey is also one of the few sports I never got into. Maybe if I had played hockey, I would be into it.

  35. We Pinoys are just plain inherently polite and nice!
    The Pinoy character of trying to please everyone, a trait that bides well in the service industry, hence the demand for Pinoy manpower overseas. Sadly, it is also a Pinoy trait that is totally exploited by many employers both locally and abroad.

    Here’s another Pinoy polite and politically correct response describing his kind, intelligent, smart but below average beauty girlfriend to a nosy macho cousin.

    “Mabait siya, matalino, mapagmahal at higit sa lahat, malapit siya sa simbahan”.

  36. Wil – hockey may not be that popular in the Bay Area for one except for one team – The San Jose Sharks. Skating outdoors in winter here is common and its free. Hockey rinks have public skating hours and they’re like a dollar for the entrance fee. The city converts its court to a skating rink in winter and its free.

  37. Noy – totally agree. Our being too nice esp to other nationalities is just 2nd nature, perhaps the by product of our famous hospitality 😯

    LOL on “below average beauty girlfriend” hahaha 🙂 Di mo pa ginamit ang totoong word :mrgreen: Reminds me of an old Pinoy joke, when a buddy asks his friend ” maganda ba yung nililigawan mo? Mabait dre’ at saka nursing ang kinikuha” 😆

  38. People used tell me , I’m too nice but scoring myself on those statements, I’d say I am somewhere in the middle this days. Ii guess, I’ve changed. I have learned how to be bitchy. Sometimes, its the only way you can get yourself out of messy situations.
    ___

    My daughter also took a skating class on synthetic ice rink. Her dad helps her now in skating in real ice. Me? …i just watch.

  39. Leah – just like most of us who have wrestled with adjusting to the system here, we all seem to have changed. I like how you described your change though hehe 🙂

    Same as the wifey… she’s contented with watching. Not sure if she will take up the laces. She saw one of our mature friends bang his head on the ice – that wasn’t a good motivation at all 😎

  40. this just proves the adage – “Too much of everything is a poison.”

    for me, i maybe nice depending on how people are nice to me. if i am not in the mood, i am cranky at times. if i am in a light mood, nothing can affect me. 🙂

    but to summarize, i am not very nice. 😀

  41. Bing – it boils down to setting up our boundaries I guess. Some people unfortunately expect too much of others and sometimes our being professionalism can be misconstrued as snoberry or being aloof 😯

  42. […] Filipino Canadian opinion blogger BW wrote a related entry entitled “Are You Too Nice?” in his Nov. 11 post, based on a Web article he stumbled upon just […]

  43. […] Filipino Canadian opinion blogger BW wrote a related entry entitled “Are You Too Nice?” in his Nov. 11 post, based on a Web article he stumbled upon just recently. November 14th, […]

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